My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.