My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.