My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something