My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
what the hell pray for carter everyone
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no