My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
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remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance