@Megatronic13

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

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@swaggiestag

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

@CroweJam

I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.

@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@JessObsess

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven’t brought any money

@Blondiethegood

Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.