My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this