my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”