My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I needed a laugh this morning.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.