My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK