My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
is this how new cars are made??
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.