My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
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When you’ve simply given up.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015