My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
If you know, you know
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Maths meets science
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.