my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”