@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

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@juneohara65

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

@Adam14

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

@R0ckG0d88

A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.

@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

@singwithTaffy

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

@WickedCynic

If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK