I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.
the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?