My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad