My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”