MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING