My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The sacred texts.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope