My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When someone trying to leave me
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Well, that didn’t work.