My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

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Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.


M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*


[At funeral]: He always gave 100%. He probably shouldn’t have donated that much blood though


I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.


My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.


My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps


“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!