@daddydoubts

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

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@sugarwits

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

@MinouChatte

[At funeral]: He always gave 100%. He probably shouldn’t have donated that much blood though

@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

@Artemis_Ascends

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

@HenpeckedHal

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@ibid78

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses

@Barknado69

Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps

@thequeensheart

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!