Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
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“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.