@JarheadnBlondie

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

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@darrinfb

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

@KelgoreTrout

“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES

@Darlainky

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

@LouisNel

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@Birdhumms

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

@Dutch_50

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

@ThugRaccoons

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

@danadonly

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.