My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
this FaceApp is creepy af
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev