My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Become ungovernable.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997