@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

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@dafloydsta

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@ddsmidt

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

@danielvisme

Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.