My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I bet
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]