[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
cyclists
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Midwest trash talk
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)