Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.
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I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.
My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit