@SaraMansford

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.

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@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.