Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.