My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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You are not alone 💚
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?