Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”