it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
You Might Also Like
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
And that about sums it up.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.