Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”
[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.