@AndyAsAdjective

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

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@OneFunnyMummy

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

@ClichedOut

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@jessicaa1017

Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives

@Northside_Mike

Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@MarfSalvador

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

@BestScienceJoke

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.