[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Dear Lord..
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
multitasking lunch
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.