@AlisonStine

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@mattZillaaaa

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

@TheAlexNevil

When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@Annoyedworld

I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!