*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!