My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”