My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
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I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
You all made fun of me for hoarding plastic bags. Just filled up every single one of them with gas, so who’s laughing now?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.