@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@rsf788

You all made fun of me for hoarding plastic bags. Just filled up every single one of them with gas, so who’s laughing now?

@PinkCamoTO

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

@NewDadNotes

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@IamJackBoot

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.