My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.


If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.


My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.


When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.


The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.


Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome