My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.