@AnniemuMary

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

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@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@DaHess1

If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.

@Cain_Unable

My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@thenamesmikeG

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome