@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
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@briangaar: FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS 1. Can't find keys 2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys 3. Find keys 4. Apologize for key witchhunt
@CanadianPitbull: I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say "I do" your right hand is gonna be awful busy.
@NewDadNotes: Me: I just finished mowing my lawn. God: rain. Me: I’m gonna have a BBQ today. God: rain. Me: I really hope my son’s soccer game gets rained out. God: lol. no rain.
@DurtMcHurtt: Goal as a white guy 1)Pay taxes 2)Never say anything that may come across as racist 3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.