My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”