My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.