Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You Might Also Like
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Is….Is this an option?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.