My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! Youโ€™re fired!


Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.


thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet


Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology


“I’ll Knock You Into Next Week” have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports


Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.


ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin


Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.


[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.