My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
i baked you a cake
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm