My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Order here:
More here:
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!