My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.