My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.