My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys