My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Monday Lisa
When your man makes a valid point
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.