My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks


I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.


Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”


You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.


Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.


Me: And neither wears pants


My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.



“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”