My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct