[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You Might Also Like
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote
voldemort: this is brilliant
harry potter: expelliarmus!
voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try