@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@ValeeGrrl

Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@zachreinert03

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@CountMackula

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@tweetsbyrocket

me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant

[later]

harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try