My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Think I pulled my liver
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice