my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?