My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.