@notmythirdrodeo

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

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@SJKSalisbury

Another wooden ball. Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?

@sarabellab123

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@truegritrumble

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@BigJDubz

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

@Gupton68

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.