my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

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Another wooden ball. Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?


My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.


Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*


even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side


My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”


[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean


If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.