My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I love you to the refrigerator and back
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
meow
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?